Ha! I've been stuck here in Nova Scotia over ten years now. Wish I could say it's been LIVING. Just existing sadly. Things are getting ever worse, I suppose, now that my mother is getting a bet more mad. I still cannot believe the lack of assistance from people I've known to get me away from here & back to a life. Every day seems the same, if it is not actually a worse day than the preceding. The odd time there might be a day with moments ...nice moments that have that promising feeling.

My birthday is approaching & at this age, this is just no where close to the life I had planned, or even the one I imagined could happen if all my dreams did not come true. Sad. Depressing. Dark. Ridiculously unnecessary ...all fine descriptions of the last several years of my life on a downward spiral. Karma? For what?
How long? Til I die?
What's the point?

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF MY AWFUL LIFE?

The Greatest Fim Actress Ever ~ BETTE DAVIS: WHATEVER Happened to BabyJane? OMG. Never saw This Before! Love it!

WILL RELOCATE FOR BOYFRIEND!

Damn, I hate being so lonely. It's been over ten years since I have had a boyfriend. Who knew my life would turn out this way. Quit dead-end job (no regrets). Float for a year or so. Lose apartment because I should have got new rental agreement in writing and not trusted the verbal. Another year moving from one dysfunctional roommate situation to another, until finally, having to give in to the thing I wasso trying to avoid - moving in with my brother and his wife. The fighting couple. Eventually getting a front room in a rooming house. Over-priced and including insects in the kitchen (never used it) and rodents in the walls. Kept me up all night. Until finally I couldn't take it anymore and returned to my native Nova Scotia, accepting my mom's long-standing invitation.

Here I have been since maybe 2000. No friends. No work. (They just won't hire me here!) No love. No romance. And maybe 3-4 instances of sex with another person!

This is my life. Well, I used to have a life in Toronto. This is my existence. THIS is why I need to follow my dreams, my heart, my desires and needs. Sure, I will travel for love. Who will love me? Who the fuck will love me?

New Order?

Talk about efficiency. WhiteHouse.gov, the official site of the President, was updated to reflect the changeover from President George Bush to President Barack Obama within a few minutes of Obama's inauguration. Has anyone visited the site yet, and if so, have you seen The Agenda page? I have to say that I am impressed—it lays out Obama's civil rights agenda, which includes broad support for the LGBT community.

Among Obama's positions: He supports the Employment Non-Discrimination Act and believes anti-discrimination employment laws should be expanded to include sexual orientation and gender identity; and he supports full civil unions that give same-sex couples legal rights and privileges equal to those of married couples.
Additionally, Obama thinks we should repeal the Defense of Marriage Act, and he opposes a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage.
He also wants to repeal the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy; ensure adoption rights for all couples and individuals regardless of their sexual orientation; and develop a comprehensive national AIDS/HIV strategy.
This is all in writing! On the President's Web site!
What do you think of it, and do you believe he will accomplish all of his LGBT rights goals within his first term?

Toxic World

Mom never sees me for what I am but for what I am NOT, in her eyes. Guess I should accept I will never measure up. The joke is she really truly believes she is a Christian and a "nice" person. Yet she can not give her own son support other than material things. I so would rather have her back me in what I want out of life than by gifting me with things I have not even asked her for. Her negative words cut me, more than she can ever know. My head hurts from the stress of her erratic antics and constant attacks. My chest tightens as she again accuses me of lying or of being lazy or weak, when she knows what my health condition is.

I cannot help but feel these years in my life are a sad waste of valuable time. Oh, what I could be doing with friends locally. My online mates are wonderful, but they are still ONLINE and miles and miles away physically - overseas, down under, on the other side of the border ...

I long for Toronto still and for the kinds of feelings that the people I congregated with there gave me for the most part. Warm and fuzzies. Is this it for me? To end here, like this?
What the fuck is this shit all about? I cannot bear it much longer at all!

MUTTERINGS FROM THE KITCHEN

Lordy, Lord! Being around my mother a whole lot of my time, I believe, has the potential of slowly driving me crazy! For instance, just now she started criticizing me, as I am preparing to take her garbage and paper recyclables out to the curb for pick-up tomorrow. I had to come back to the computer to write and to check on some other irons in the fire, so I put that small garbage moving project on hold for a few ... Now, that would be ok for many people; actually, a non-issue. But, no, not for my constantly nagging. most negative mother. First I hear her talking to herself yet again ...more like a conversation, some mutterings from the kitchen like " ... supposed to be taking the garbage outside ..." blah blah blah, followed five or so minutes later by an outright, "I thought you were taking the garbage outside ...?" To which I did reply that I was indeed in the midst of doing so, but had something to tend to in the living room, on the computer. Her overall downbeat attitude towards things is really challenging for one to put up with, and quite annoying, actually - a very hard pill to swallow. I have been working on ways to handle her constantly cutting words and often nasty and erratic behavior. Though, it is not coming easily. It has been recommended that I block her out, not LISTEN. That is something so against the kind of person I believe myself to be, whom I have long been. The rub is, I've been raised to think that what my mother says is something I should very well LISTEN TO and BELIEVE, yet the believing in what my mother says is very damaging to me in the long run; immediately hurtful. I do not think a day goes by when in mom's company that it can be all peaceful and full of love or respect. It is a one-way street having those feelings.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life!

Posted on Monday, March 09, 2009

The key to getting the most out of life is to be surrounded by optimistic, positive friends, according to new research from The National Lottery.

Nearly six out of ten Brits (58%) believe a positive outlook is contagious and that optimists can boost the positivity around them, helping others adopt their upbeat attitude and feel better about their lives.

The good news for upbeat and positive singles is that optimism is also a highly attractive trait. Us Brits would much prefer the company of positive people (52%) such as eternal optimist Del Boy Trotter over professional pessimists such as Victor Meldrew (3%). So if your friends are ‘glass half full’ types – you’re on the right track.

But it seems we have a better resistance to pessimism, with only 4 in 10 (42%) believing a negative attitude can be ‘caught’.

The Lotto Optimism Report, conducted by the Social Issues Research Centre explores the nature of optimism in 21st century Britain and finds that despite having a reputation for being a pessimistic country, three quarters of us Brits (75%) consider ourselves to have an optimistic outlook on life.

Would you consider yourself to be a ‘glass half full’ or ‘glass half empty’ person? To see how you or your friends rate on the optimism scale, http://profiler.markettiers4dc.com/

And it’s the traditional things we feel most optimistic about - from family life (61%), personal relationships (53%) and our social lives (31%). Unsurprisingly in today’s climate it’s the future of the country’s economy (5%) and the environment (4%) were the things we feel least optimistic about.

I’m a Celebrity Winner and ex-Eastender star Joe Swash is the epitome of optimism – he remained positive throughout his time in the jungle, despite the numerous Bushtucker Trials and his upbeat attitude infected the camp of celebrities raising everyone’s spirits.

Joe says: “If I had to single out a reason why I won I’m A Celebrity, I’d like to think it was because I kept a positive attitude throughout the whole experience. Staying optimistic helped me when I was missing my family or facing a particularly bad Bushtucker Trial – I was able to focus on the good things like the friendships I’d made and that helped me stick it out to the end.”

For more information visit www.national-lottery.co.uk

"Down To Love ..."

MSNBC.com

Olbermann: Gay marriage is a question of love

Everyone deserves the same chance at permanence and happiness

SPECIAL COMMENT

By Keith Olbermann

Anchor, 'Countdown'

updated 9:13 p.m. ET Nov. 10, 2008

Finally tonight as promised, a Special Comment on the passage, last week, of Proposition Eight in California, which rescinded the right of same-sex couples to marry, and tilted the balance on this issue, from coast to coast.

Some parameters, as preface. This isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics, and this isn't really just about Prop-8. And I don't have a personal investment in this: I'm not gay, I had to strain to think of one member of even my very extended family who is, I have no personal stories of close friends or colleagues fighting the prejudice that still pervades their lives.

And yet to me this vote is horrible. Horrible. Because this isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics. This is about the human heart, and if that sounds corny, so be it.

If you voted for this Proposition or support those who did or the sentiment they expressed, I have some questions, because, truly, I do not understand. Why does this matter to you? What is it to you? In a time of impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, these people over here want the same chance at permanence and happiness that is your option. They don't want to deny you yours. They don't want to take anything away from you. They want what you want—a chance to be a little less alone in the world.

Only now you are saying to them—no. You can't have it on these terms. Maybe something similar. If they behave. If they don't cause too much trouble. You'll even give them all the same legal rights—even as you're taking away the legal right, which they already had. A world around them, still anchored in love and marriage, and you are saying, no, you can't marry. What if somebody passed a law that said you couldn't marry?

I keep hearing this term "re-defining" marriage. If this country hadn't re-defined marriage, black people still couldn't marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal in 1967. 1967.

The parents of the President-Elect of the United States couldn't have married in nearly one third of the states of the country their son grew up to lead. But it's worse than that. If this country had not "re-defined" marriage, some black people still couldn't marry black people. It is one of the most overlooked and cruelest parts of our sad story of slavery. Marriages were not legally recognized, if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different: not "Until Death, Do You Part," but "Until Death or Distance, Do You Part." Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized.

You know, just like marriages today in California are not legally recognized, if the people are gay.

And uncountable in our history are the number of men and women, forced by society into marrying the opposite sex, in sham marriages, or marriages of convenience, or just marriages of not knowing, centuries of men and women who have lived their lives in shame and unhappiness, and who have, through a lie to themselves or others, broken countless other lives, of spouses and children, all because we said a man couldn't marry another man, or a woman couldn't marry another woman. The sanctity of marriage.

How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the "sanctity" of marriage rather than render the term, meaningless?

What is this, to you? Nobody is asking you to embrace their expression of love. But don't you, as human beings, have to embrace... that love? The world is barren enough.

It is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us to go forward. Your marriage only stands a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much you feel and how hard you work.

And here are people overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, and that work, just for the hope of having that feeling. With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against people for no good reason, this is what your religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all its sadnesses, this is what your conscience tells you to do?

With your knowledge that life, with endless vigor, seems to tilt the playing field on which we all live, in favor of unhappiness and hate... this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honor your God and the universal love you believe he represents? Then Spread happiness—this tiny, symbolic, semantical grain of happiness—share it with all those who seek it. Quote me anything from your religious leader or book of choice telling you to stand against this. And then tell me how you can believe both that statement and another statement, another one which reads only "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

You are asked now, by your country, and perhaps by your creator, to stand on one side or another. You are asked now to stand, not on a question of politics, not on a question of religion, not on a question of gay or straight. You are asked now to stand, on a question of love. All you need do is stand, and let the tiny ember of love meet its own fate.

You don't have to help it, you don't have it applaud it, you don't have to fight for it. Just don't put it out. Just don't extinguish it. Because while it may at first look like that love is between two people you don't know and you don't understand and maybe you don't even want to know. It is, in fact, the ember of your love, for your fellow person just because this is the only world we have. And the other guy counts, too.

This is the second time in ten days I find myself concluding by turning to, of all things, the closing plea for mercy by Clarence Darrow in a murder trial.

But what he said, fits what is really at the heart of this:

"I was reading last night of the aspiration of the old Persian poet, Omar-Khayyam," he told the judge. It appealed to me as the highest that I can vision. I wish it was in my heart, and I wish it was in the hearts of all: So I be written in the Book of Love; I do not care about that Book above. Erase my name, or write it as you will, So I be written in the Book of Love."

© 2008 msnbc.com

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27650743/