Toxic World

Mom never sees me for what I am but for what I am NOT, in her eyes. Guess I should accept I will never measure up. The joke is she really truly believes she is a Christian and a "nice" person. Yet she can not give her own son support other than material things. I so would rather have her back me in what I want out of life than by gifting me with things I have not even asked her for. Her negative words cut me, more than she can ever know. My head hurts from the stress of her erratic antics and constant attacks. My chest tightens as she again accuses me of lying or of being lazy or weak, when she knows what my health condition is.

I cannot help but feel these years in my life are a sad waste of valuable time. Oh, what I could be doing with friends locally. My online mates are wonderful, but they are still ONLINE and miles and miles away physically - overseas, down under, on the other side of the border ...

I long for Toronto still and for the kinds of feelings that the people I congregated with there gave me for the most part. Warm and fuzzies. Is this it for me? To end here, like this?
What the fuck is this shit all about? I cannot bear it much longer at all!