If This Time Is The Last Time ...

This we learn about USERS and how you cannot really rely on anybody but self.

Darien says:

U must know, I shall be your mate forever more ... I will never leave you now ...

and of course, that was a complete lie. I wonder if he knew so at the time? Did he have in mind the betrayal he would lay down in months 4 months? WTF?

Mom has had a bladder operation and is in the hospital. Sissy and Layla and I are visiting her later. Adam's mother died Wednesday of lung cancer or something at only 49! The world is all wrong and I'm suffering through a damned drug-hangover! It's starting to get cold outside, and I'm watching Dan Futterman and Alan Cuming in a terrific film, I bought for 1.99 Cdn, called Urbania.

It is so utterly lonely here, almost an ugliness to it. The feeling of remaining stagnant. The lack of love. What does one put in that void? Are there accepted substitutes? Hmmmmmm?

Sonny has locked me out of the chatrooms. He is completely jealous of me and my natural ability to attract others (at least online)! My peers have chosen to stay un-invovled, which of course, makes them extremely invovled. How typical, yet disapointing to the likes of me.

I am afraid I am breaking down or about to have a big break down, since I no longer have Darien to chat with daily, or the chatrooms to fall back on. Darien's updated MYSPACE page suggests that he now is in a relationship! With whom, I wonder. With Sonny maybe...he is of the persuasion Darien is attracted to alot .... Maybe they had set out to destroy me all along, from the beginning ... One never knows!