Somebody Make Me Laugh, Somebody Make Me Cry

"The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones."
~ William Faulkner

Looks like it is about to rain - again! We have been getting lots and lots of rain, and so, for me, lots and lots of pain ...

OMG!

The stragest thing just happened to me. At me ...?!! My cousin, the lawyer , Roland, just called me on the telephone. And it was only like 2 minutes after I was just thinking about him. I'm crazy. I think about alot of random things these days ... Anyway, so he called me!!!!! After I bascially sent him away whenever that was when I left him the phone message about not really being a friend if he just sat by and watched me fall to my demise ....

Thing is: It felt for me, almost like the old times ... when I thought we were thick as thieves, and nothing could/would ever come between us. He has been in town since Sunday and only called me today, Tuesday, so clearly these are new, more distant times, to put it mildly. Automatically, though we shared laughs just about from the getgo of the conversation. He is at a friend's barbeque across the bridge, and is staying over that side of the pond this visit. Not at his father's place as he usually does. (I'm thinking he Cousin has a boyfriend or something, either whom he's travellng with or back home in his big house outside of Toronto.) He wanted to see if I was up for a visit in the next couple of days. Maybe tomorrow. I think I suprised him when I was quick to say: "Sure". I explained that I was probably heading to Mom's tonight though and he would have to visit me there, or elsewhere, somewhere outside of that situation. I am to call him anytime tomorrow before 6:00pm. I hope I remember in time. My mind and body have not been the best in recent months.

I wish something really good and solid could come out of this "reunion" visit with Cousin but I think, realistically, chances aren't too good for that at all. I have no idea what's going on in his life now, and plus I am so far removed form where he is in "Society's Picture of Success" ... in my own picture of success? Yeah, these days, how I'm feeling and thinking abotu things, yeah, I guess so. Just today, I ws freaking thinking about how I am just about 40 now and how hard it will be for me to try to establish some sort of "real career" now, after pretty much getting no where as a singer/writer/actor. Especially if my health continues to be a big problem.

Thing is, right now I am ready for some positive change. I want to leave here and get back to Toronto. I would like some sort of not-too-stressful 9 to 5 job there. But not here in THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE ... I think the thing is to get away from here after 6 long years of debilitating LONLINESS and INVISIBILITY ...

If only one of those mircales that used to save me would coem through now ...