Stop, Look, Listen (To Your Heart)

"You're alone ... all the time ... does it ever puzzle you, have you asked why ...?"
(Stop, Look, Listen, words & music by Thom Bell - Linda Creed)

La lalala da da ...

Always one of my favourite songs. Well, at least since the 1980s.

BAD DAY?
Well, as anticpated, I am not in good sorts today. Uhmmm. Let's see? I only slept two hours!!!! And I even moved from the sofa and slept on the bed/cott for the first time maybe since I got back home from Mom's! I do not know what I am going to do. But I know I need to be strong to get out of this mess.

Okay. To get past the sleeping pill withdrawal issue it has been suggested that I go sugar-free. Hmmm, but then it occurs to me that my life is pretty much sugar free, beverage-wise. What about my Sugar Twin sugar substitute? Should I stop that too ...or is that ok for the detoxing process?

It does not look good for me getting anywhere today. Defeatest attitude? Well ...not really, I don't think. There's something about Sundays and Mondays for me ....I just don't know ... but they make things more of a struggle for me, it seems. Anyway, I am not feeling so great and my eyes are getting tired but not the kind of tired that normal people have that allows them to fall into deep R.E.M. sleep.

BAD HEALTH
I really have to get over this mess, and get out of town and back to Toronto or onto whichever city I am supposed to go to. Being stuck inside most of the time (ALL of the time?!) without local friends and having to rely on televison so much, well, it really hurts me emotionally.

BAD TIMING?
I am just about 40 now and my 3 major artistic talents have not at all proved the keys to an acting, singing/recording, or writing career ... while all around me, careers are staring me in the face now, seemingly. I wish it were clearer just exactly what I did wrong. Was it simply the timing?

I have been a stage actor in Toronto - but barely. Should I have lived 9 to 5 jobless as I am now, back then? That stress of administrative support/office management, then customer service work was incredibly difficult to blend with 3 (count em') creative/artistic careers ... for me, at least! Hell, it was soooo impossible when I was working the first three years as a, seemingly-responsible-for-everything office assistant. Damn did I ever give my all in that job! In a way, it is no wonder they hired me full-time from that short-term government work program. I know I was effective. And I spent so much time at the office with that job. Late hours ... weekends for free ... It was how I taught myself additional office skills at first. Soon it became about the ridiculous amount of work that continually flowed my way in a small, under ten staff person office. I really could not find energy or inspiration to create when all that was said and done. Others seem to be able to swing it. Did I not try hard enough ...?!! No, I really still do not think that was the issue ... ??!!!

BAD DECISIONS?
Oh, I do not know anymore these days. Lately I seem to be questioning everything.

Fact: I worked my ass off in the office.
Fact: I was too stressed to feel creative; too drained, emotionally, stifled.

A less stressful day job would have afforded me a better lifestyle of creative inspiration?

It's not that the 9 to 5 jobs I had did not have benefits. Working in arts administration opened many doors, socially ... How fucking ironic!!!

BAD LUCK?
I have been a recording studio singer in Toronto (- but barely). I wrote and recorded five or more songs (well, i've actually written over 200 songs since I was 14!)with a producer/collaborator. I have sung and been recorded on a few other acts'/writers' demos. But none of my music has ever been released commercial. Well, that is not counting the time I did a favour for a producer associate, came in last-minute when another vocalist had to quit a dance project for religous reasons ... I wrote a HOOK recorded it on state-of-the-art facility after a couple rum and Cokes, mulit-trackiing my harmonies with the producer/engineer, got thanked ... Only to find out later the record company execs on the other end decided to "go in another direction" ... A year later, checking the new releases at Sam The Record Man's flagship store on Yonge Street I notice a new album from a brand new Canadian rap/dance act (quite a big deal in the "white-bread 80s"). I was never a big rap fan, but I did support Canadian urban music, such as it was at the time. Plus, I saw the producer I did a favor for's name among the credits ... See where this is going ...?

Home, 30 minutes later I am listening to some new rap/R&B (had they coined the term "hiphop" yet?!) and reading the inside cassette fold for full credits, info-hound that I am. That's when the song changed. Suddenly it's deja vu (and I don't mean the Dionne Warwick hit!) ... I'm listening to a dance groove I had not heard for about a year ... but it is different ... There is a lame rap throughout ...over the familiar track I sang to after loosening-up with a couple drinks all those months ago ... at the chorus a well-intentioned, but sterile male vocalist (NOT ME!) comes onto the stratosphere ... But the words have been altered a bit, played with ... my: "I Will Always Remember You"... hhok had been changed to a frighteningly similar, but slyly-changed "I'll remember the days always"!!!! The actual song title had been changed to "The Days". I might never had known.

I could not believe what had been done.. I was told the project had been cancelled in the long-run. The entire experience had been weird ... I never took a writers' credit as I simply wrote a repeated phrase as instructed, to specifically include the theme: "i remember you" etc. (I think Michael Jackson might have recently had a hit with "Remember The Time" at the time!) Soooooooo .... I was ripped off, but not in anyway that could be persued legally. What a fucking trip!

BAD BREAK?
I almost had a bad song on the radio!